Another List

Things bothering me lately (self-indulgence to follow):

1. I like Christmas. I really do. I'm a nostalgic person. Charlie Brown and Linus, Jimmy Stewart, Ralphie and his BB gun, Bing Crosby, snow, trees, family, all of it good. Yet that stuff can quickly become quite, quite annoying if done too soon. For example, radio stations are, and have been, playing strictly Christmas music. Why? Pretty soon we won't bother having other holidays; we'll be too busy planning next Christmas to worry about Thanksgiving. Or Labor Day. Or any of the other holidays. In fact, eventually we might start sandbagging one Christmas just to make the next Christmas even better. This is all very similar to the opening scene of "Nightmare Before Christmas", where everyone gets all excited for one night celebrating Halloween, and then the next day they're back planning next year's Halloween. Now, I didn't watch the rest of the movie to see how it worked out for the stop-motion characters, but when we changed the channel it was looking fairly grim. So, my point is, can't we wait until December, at least? Please?

2. Holidays in general. Way too many. I propose we limit our holiday calendar to these choice few: New Year's Day, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And, if possible, I'd add one we don't celebrate: Boxing Day, because it's British, it gives you two days off for Christmas, and allows you to sit around playing with gifts and arguing about whether Tyson in his prime beats Ali in his prime. (At least that's what I assume Boxing Day involves. And no, no he doesn't.) There. Ten holidays. A nice, round number. These are the official, government sponsored ones. Everyone gets Labor Day off if they want it. And veteran's get a paid day off for Veteran's Day, because they deserve it. Obviously Halloween, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Flag Day, Earth Day, Let's Have a Random Holiday Day, those would still be around, but I'd have government support to ignore them if I so chose. In fact, there's only one holiday I'd get rid of altogether. See #3.

3. President's Day=ridiculous. Come on, how needy are Presidents? They all were the most famous man in the country for at least 4 years, or were assassinated, or died because they were too stubborn/dumb to wear a coat outside in January, although really, I kind of think that's the final test to see if you have even the base level of competency required to govern. Sorry, William Henry Harrison; if your judgment was so terrible you couldn't see that if it was cold and wet in January, you should either wear a coat or trim your 2-hour address, then it was probably for the best that you were only in office for 30 days. But in any case, these are 42 (43 starting this January) of the most well-known men in history, deserved (Lincoln, FDR) or completely undeserved (Franklin Pierce? Really, American voters of 1852? That's the best you could do?) as that fame may be. They are all, in varying degrees, canonized, lionized, ridiculed, studied, and debated. Their faces are on stamps and coins and mountains, their names on libraries and airports, their stories and policies covered in classrooms everywhere, and often these classrooms reside in schools named after Presidents. They really need a whole damn holiday as well?

"But Jay, it was originally a combination of Lincoln and Washington's birthdays, shouldn't they get a day?"

To you I say, first of all, how do you know my name? And second, no, no they shouldn't. Why? Because Lincoln's on the penny and the $5 bill, and Washington's on the quarter and the $1. Then you have Jefferson on the nickel and the $2 bill (and doesn't the $2 seem weirdly appropriate for TJ? It just seems like the best fit somehow.) I'd argue for FDR to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20, because if you're going to have a President on the $20 who made extremely questionable decisions about forced relocation of certain racial groups, you should pick the one who also solved the Great Depression and won World War Two. (In essence, anyway. Also, I'm not entirely sure Andrew Jackson could read.)

4. Headaches. No fun. Also, sentence fragments. Lazy.

5. Blog posts that go on too long. That's all.