I came into work the other day, already in a less-than-stellar mood thanks to my newly semi-regular 7 AM start time. The morning hours would be bad enough, but that day, the musical selection was worse. I hate modern country music, so it really shouldn't have been a surprise that I hated the "Modern Country" section. At first I wasn't so concerned. I liked Nickel Creek, after all, and when they were at their peak they had videos played on CMT. Garth Brooks was always good, although I don't know how "modern" he'd be considered right now. And Tim McGraw and Alan Jackson come through for me now and again, with songs that are at the very least listenable. But the tipping point came early, with one extremely easy to hate song. (Note: I don't go into detail with the lyrics I'm talking about. If you click the links, you can take a quick look at them yourself. I promise you, it won't be too taxing or time consuming.)
Song 1- Jason Aldean, "Big Green Tractor"
I actually saw this come up on the little music view screen in the Ace office as I got a radio. It wasn't promising from the start. To be honest, my dislike for this song is fairly straightforward. It's stupid. There's no intelligence to it. The guy is reveling in the fact that he has a tractor, and he wants to take his girl with him. If this were a middle-school FFA talent show, then I could see these lyrics being considered, at the most, passable. Sadly, he's a professional "musician" who's making real money with this song. Sometimes the world is a strange, sad, terrible place.
Song 2- Justin Moore, "Small Town USA"
This was a ridiculous waste of time spent in a recording studio. If they'd propped the decaying corpse of Frank Sinatra in front of a microphone, they'd have gotten something more musically rewarding for their efforts.
(Bonus: That song was by Justin Moore, who's only had 2 singles. I had to include the lyrics of the other song, just to give you an idea of his track record.
Song 3- Josh Turner, "Firecracker"
Apparently the current hot country trend is finding a none-too-subtle metaphor for sex, and driving it into the ground, and Firecracker makes full use of that MO. (As did "Back That Thing Up, if you were paying attention. And even if you aren't paying attention, these songs do everything they can to beat you over the head with the "hidden" meaning, a la 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858529579/ ) In that regard, maybe two of today's most similar genres are mainstream country and mainstream rap/hip-hop, a connection perhaps best exemplified by Trace Adkins characteristically mailed-in effort "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk". http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858536710/
It's not the most encouraging of fads. Nor the most creative.
Song 4- Sugarland, "It Happens"
http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/ 3530822107858732651/ (Note: Change "flay" to "flat" when you read it, lyric transcription error)
This, really, is just terrible. It's the worst kind of bad, in that it's not only horrendous, but pretentiously so. Based on this model, the key to profundity is to throw in as many adverbs as possible, and to try and pass yourself off as an "everyperson" to dispense advice on how to view life. Yeah, it's easy to say "It Happens" when you've sold ten million records and don't have to worry about these sorts of events, for which regular people would probably go to jail. Idiots.
(While I'm writing this, I thought I'd point out another couple of distinguishing factors I've picked up on. First, the song structures. Pretty much every one follows the basic Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, Chorus, Chorus setup. Apparently they do this because it's much easier to write one catchy line and beat the absolute shit out of it than to try and balance and fill out an entire song. The other characteristic is the lack of imagination when it comes to song titles. All the songs played at work were new to me, so I jotted down the string of words I felt would most easily identify the song for a later lookup. And, without fail, I hit on the title, or at least a portion of it. (For example, instead of "Firecracker", I came up with "She's a firecracker". This, I think, hits on a more underlying feature of modern country, in that it's trying to be easy to remember, easy to request when you call in, easy to find on a jukebox. But that's all it's trying to be. It's not trying for any sort of redeeming artistic meaning. In this respect, once again, it's similar to modern rap/hip-hop. I can't deny the financial sense in this, it's the same type of thinking that allows James Patterson and Dean Koontz to sell 8 million books a month. And I'm sure the artists themselves don't care too much, because they're famous now, and they'll be rich until they die. But what I'm not sure they realize (or do realize, and ignore) is that when they die, or retire, that's it. They're gone. There won't be any retrospectives talking about how much Gretchen Wilson meant to modern pop culture, or music, or even modern country music, because she doesn't mean anything. For reference, compare the media coverage and public response to the deaths of Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger to the potential response should, say, Jason Aldean's plane go down. (God forbid. I already jinxed Bernie Mac on this blog.) The country stars of today are trading longevity and legacy for easy money and a performance at the CMA's. To each their own, I suppose.)
Song 5- Tim McGraw, "Back When"
This was perhaps the most disappointing, because it's Tim McGraw. Sadly, it's the worst version of Tim McGraw, the ridiculously nostalgic kind, combined with racism. What this song seems to be saying is, "Man, it sure was better way back when. People were nicer, and them Negros couldn't influence our culture, language, or hell, even our elections!! What a world that was." I hate these types of sentiments, because they're always so completely wrong, yet voiced with a tone so confident as to suggest that no one could possibly disagree. And the lyrics are terrible. How does Timmy cash his royalty checks from that Nelly song with a straight face anymore?
Song 6- Rascal Flatts, "Summer Nights"
Unsurprisingly, it was Rascal Flatts that finally forced me to change the channel. There are many, many things about this song that contribute to it's absolute God-awfulness. First of all, it's Rascal Flatts. There's nothing about them that doesn't annoy me. And, to be honest, while researching this song, I learned more things about them that I hate.
Most of my hatred is reserved for the lead singer, Gary LeVox. First of all, he's 39, and he looks like this.
The list of things that offends me about that picture alone would probably be longer than this entire exercise. (I still can't decide if it's the hair, the necklace, the shirt, the fact the shirt isn't buttoned all the way up, or the fact that he's holding the microphone like a total pussy that offends me the most. But it's disgusting.)
(Bonus- Here's a picture of Nate Torrence, the guy from the Capital One commercials with David Spade. I've always thought they look alike.
As I looked into Gary LeVox, more and more details emerged, and they all offended me on a deeply personal level. First, LeVox isn't his real name. Because nothing's more authentic and American than a vaguely French sounding stage name. But what's even more offensive than his deciding that Gary Wayne Vernon, Jr. wasn't good enough to make country music is the inspiration for his new moniker. He took it from the studio console that controlled his lead vocal-track, i.e., "Vox". Wow. What a man. So, Gary the Voice, which theoretically could be cool if it was describing a mob member played by James Caan, is actually a white, 39-year old, multimillionaire country singer who doesn't play an instrument. Actually, there's one thing in there that's not true.
He can't fucking sing. Can't do it. What he does with his voice (which, just to remind you, he thought enough of to name himself after it) produces sounds not unlike a garbage disposal running with the water off. Unless he's trying to hit a high note. When he tries to hit a high note (which, since he only goes for two notes, both through the top part of his nose, is pretty much all the time), it sounds just like a sound I heard when I was little. There was a small cat stuck in a tree outside our house. It was there all day, crying, and we couldn't figure out how to save it. My mom actually called the fire department, and they laughed her off the phone. That night, it continued to cry, until we heard a shriek, the sound of an owl taking it. That shriek is what the lead singer of Rascal Flatts sounds like, and it's all I can think about when I hear their music. (My mom called the fire department the next day, told them what had happened, and basically berated them. They seemed to feel bad.)
So, Rascal Flatts is terrible. And this song is worse. First, the lyrics are downright bad. There's nothing good about the choice of words, or the order in which they're arranged. No redeeming artistic value. Or value of any kind. But it gets worse. It's one of those songs released at the beginning of May that just begs and begs to be the "Anthem of Summer". Previous such songs that have earned my ire include "Soak Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow, the Ataris covering "Boys of Summer" pretty much note-for-note and changing "Deadhead sticker" to "Black Flag sticker", and "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock, which ripped off an acceptable (though racist) summer song, turned it into something awful ("We were trying different things/Smoking funny things" has to be one of the best couplets this side of a Shakespearean sonnet. Who knew that "things" rhymed with "things"? And he used it in a ripped off song, no less. And it managed to squeeze in the ever-present Kid Rock scream-sing line, always accompanied by some studio distortion. (Featured here during "ALLLL SUMMER LONGGG!!!", another example is "I was off to DRINK YOU AWAYYYyyyYYY!!!" in "The Picture" with Sheryl Crow. Deep.)
But not only did it beg to be a summer song, it begged to be a song of the everyperson. This is one of the stupidest modern country conceits, exemplified by these songs (off the top of my head, I remembered the titles but had to look up the artists.
Unsurprisingly, Jason Aldean makes an appearance with "Hicktown".
Craig Morgan, "Red Neck Yacht Club"
There are more, (including previous entry "Small Town USA) but this is long enough. Suffice to say, I hate the idea of artists who are worth millions, and who would never be seen on a sandbar (outside the video shoots), trying to pass themselves off as "one of you guys", even though it's really just a calculated effort to pander to the crowds, so, for example, "Red Neck Yacht Club" will be played on boats all summer. It's pretending to celebrate the virtues of the types of people it's actively exploiting. That bothers me a lot.
So, "Summer Nights" features everything I hate about a country song, or a song in general. When I first realized that it managed to play on pretty much every one of my triggers, I wondered how it was possible that such a song was even created. And then, I found it's Wikipedia entry, which featured this line about it's origins.
"Summer Nights" was co-written by singer Gary LeVox.
And it all made sense.
Thanks for reading.
