The Following Things Are True

1. It’s now been seven years since September 11th, 2001. I had to write a fictional letter last fall for an English class, due on the sixth anniversary, telling my 9/11 story while citing a selected poem. (Pretentious, published poet professor. And yes, that alliteration was unfortunate.) Other than the poetry that I was forced to fit in, it was an interesting assignment. And if my computer hadn’t totally died a few weeks ago, I might just repost that letter. But, sadly, I lost a lot of documents. And that may be one of them. (Still assessing damage.) Which means instead of lazily posting something that's probably not as good as I remember it being, I'll instead be lazily doing this list of true things, which probably won't be as good as I think it will be. So, really, this has been a mostly pointless reminder of the date, not at all meant to be a potent image leading into my next point.

2. How anyone can honestly explore both sides of the Presidential election and come to the conclusion that a majority of Americans would be better off if John McCain were elected is a mystery. Now, I’m not saying it’s a mystery that the election will be close, because there’s no doubt in my mind that the percentage of American voters who actually explore both sides before basing their decisions on factors that are a degree of importance above “I think the black guy’s a Muslim!” or “I hate women!” is, I think, me and like thirty-eight other people. The largest majority of people won’t vote at all. As for the voting public, the great majority of people will either vote straight-ticket, one way or the other. And the next largest majority will consider both candidates, but on terms that mean absolutely nothing. Then comes the vast herds of old people who no matter their party affiliation, always end up voting for Pat Buchanon, whether he's on the ballot or not. (Seriously, old folks. Just because you prefer to vote by a show of hands down at the Elks Lodge, that doesn’t mean we can decide everything that way. Learn how to use a voting machine. Especially since you always seem to be the ones staffing the polling places.) And then there’s me and the thirty-eight other people who think about things. So my theory, thirty-eight other people, is that none of us will vote for McCain, because honestly, it doesn’t make much sense at all.

3. No joke, I’m using Microsoft Works Word Processor to write this out, since I lost my Office and StarOffice software in what will henceforth be referred to as the Great Crash of ‘08, and whenever I try to type “Obama” it AutoCorrects me to “Osama.” That’s probably not a good subliminal message to be sending.

4. I’m not going to talk about the Cubs. I prefer to spend my time on subjects with a more optimistic future. (Which is just about anything, really. I seriously considered putting a picture of a polar bear on an ice float at this spot in the post, but every time I see those pictures it makes me extremely sad, and I couldn’t bring myself to make a joke about it. For information on how to solve that problem, please refer to entry number 2.)

5. I love the lazy organizational device that is a numbered list.

6. A guy at work made fun of my John Kerry bumper sticker today. The guy in question spends his days in the Ace office listening to Rush Limbaugh. This is how that conversation went:

(Jay is hauling cart full off products into the store to stock them. While walking past, Dan’s office door opens and Dan emerges. Jay decides to greet him politely)

Jay: Hi Dan, how are you?

Dan: I’m good, how are you?

Jay: I’m doing really well, actually.

Dan: So, I’ve been meaning to ask, why haven’t you updated your Kerry-Edwards bumper
sticker yet?

Jay: I haven’t felt the need.

Dan: You planning on voting for them again?

Jay: No, I just want to make sure that everyone knows I’m not responsible for the last four years.

(Laughter from onlookers, as well as a reluctant chuckle from Dan himself.)

7. Lists like these always seem to be three, five, ten, or another reasonable multiple of five things long. Don’t you ever wonder why no one ends on a less conventional number? My guess would be that readers may feel like they’ve been cheated, or even that they’ve been wasting their time. It would just be too abrupt.